me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”