“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I want this so bad
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.