If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Yes my dude
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit