ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Choose your fighter
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.