From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.