Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
So inspired right now.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here