I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My time has come.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?