My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
BaD BoY!!
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?