Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa