Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
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I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi