I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends