I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.