A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem