this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.