Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.