Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.