the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Pickled cat.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.