Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
😎 🍻
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
This is painfully accurate 😅
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand