My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]