If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.