Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You Might Also Like
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”