It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Jupiter
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
That earthquake could have been an email.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
He just like my cat fr
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]