If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If I ignore life will it go away?