Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
i smell a pulitzer
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Note to self: I am a note
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Choose your fighter
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.