I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?