“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs