The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Incredible customer service.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The days of good grammer has went
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…