Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.