Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
You Might Also Like
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.