Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*