actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.