it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??