never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.