Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”