I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
🤣
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!