I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.