My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.