The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Bro what is this
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.