how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
the three branches of government
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest