“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
barbara was highly relatable
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.