[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
You Might Also Like
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you鈥檙e looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Let鈥檚 just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Eventually there鈥檒l be another civil war and you鈥檒l still have to go into work.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don鈥檛 want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it鈥檚 how I make money.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
me: just checkin to see if you鈥檙e ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it鈥檚 not a good time, can I call you back
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
therapist: describe this picture
me: that鈥檚 my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren鈥檛 these normally ink blots
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.