I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.