Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”