You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit