Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.