Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.