[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
can I use a minion as a tampon
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.