My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?