[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Living the best life.. 😊
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral