I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Cow it started Cow it’s going
It’s the weekend y’all
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Breaking news:
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening